The Chronicles of a City League Sports “All-Star”

Graphical-Analysis-of-my-Athletic-Ability_lowAs athletes go, I’m far from elite. In fact, defining myself as an athlete at all probably makes me as delusional. Full disclosure: I’m ridiculously skinny, I have the agility of a baby giraffe, and while I don’t shy away from contact sports, it’s a miracle that I survive any of them. Simply because it’s convenient, most of my exercise comes from distance running. But in my opinion, jogging carries the same excitement as a yarn festival. So what can an adult “athlete” do to satisfy his competitive fire? Bring on the glory of city league sports!

I’m not great at any one sport. Instead, I’ve spread my athletic ability over several fields of play, which means I’m happily mediocre in just about all of them. To give a visual representation, I created the “Graphical Analysis of My Athletic Ability” pie chart (see above). As you can see, things peak with Dodgeball and slow-pitch softball where I’ve devoted more than half of all my already limited athletic skills, and after that, it’s a slippery slope. I’m also reserving about 3% of my athleticism for “Other” with the hope that a Cricket league will pop up in my home town. Had I been born British, I’m certain Cricket would have been my calling.

While being “just ok” at lots of sports probably won’t present the opportunity to venture into professional athletics, it does provide lots of variety in my exercise routine. What I love about adult sports leagues is that you can fully commit to a given sport for about two months, and then move onto whatever is in season. I have the attention span of a six-year-old, so it’s really a perfect situation.

To properly chronicle my city league sports career, I’ve decided to document the highlights and lowlights of each of my city league endeavors.

Dodgeball:  

  • Highlight: I successfully completing a flip throw and hit my target. While it was an accidental encounter, it was probably the most athletic move I’ve ever documented.
  • Lowlight: Immediately following this flip throw, I landed squarely on my back and got   blasted by several members of the other team. Injury and humiliation followed.

Slow Pitch Softball:

  • Griffey_smallHighlight: I once reached over the fence and pulled back a home run while playing center field. It was my “Ken Griffey Jr.” moment.
  • Lowlight: While diving for a ball in the outfield, I missed the ball, did a face plant, and lost my shorts in the process. The batter scored, and my teammates mocked me for the rest of the summer.

Basketball:

  • Highlight: When going for a lay-in, I touched the rim. Ok, I lied, I touched the net. But I’m a pretty miserable basketball player, so the fact that I was even near the basket was extraordinary.
  • Lowlight: While running at full speed, I got my gangly legs tangled with a much larger, more talented player and sent him crashing into the wall. He was far from pleased, and I inadvertently started a bench clearing ruckus.

Volleyball:

  • VB_smallHighlight: Spiking a ball that hit a guy directly in the neck! Not only did it smack him in the neck, but the impact of my crushing blow made his contact fall right out of his head! In volleyball, hitting another man in the neck is the equivalent of dunking in somebody’s face in basketball.
  • Lowlight: Somehow I completely whiffed on a spike and managed to punch myself in the nose. To this day, I can’t figure out how this was scientifically possible (the physics behind it are baffling), but the fact that I bled profusely will serve as evidence.

Football (flag)

  • Highlight: Due to my team’s severe lack of talent, I got to play quarterback!
  • Lowlight: As a quarterback, I set a record by throwing 7 interceptions in one game. I’m not sure if this was actually a record, but for the sake of every other quarterback on earth, I hope it was. If they gave flag football quarterbacks a passer rating, mine would have been -46.

Soccer:

  • soccer face plant_smallHighlight: When it comes to soccer, I really just run around like a headless chicken, but on one occasion it worked to my advantage. I accidentally ran into a pass and headed in a goal with the side of my head. Despite the fact that I didn’t even see it, my teammates told me it was miraculous.
  • Lowlight: While taking a penalty kick, I buried my toe behind the ball, fell directly on my face, and hit the ball with my hand in the process. It was extremely embarrassing and also illegal. The other team gained possession, and I proceeded to get torched on defense while they scored the go-ahead goal. It’s safe to say that it was the most shameful 30 seconds of my city league sports tenure.

So here’s the moral of my athletic career; if you’re looking for an enjoyable way to get some exercise, adult sports leagues are blast. As my lowlights should clearly display, you don’t need to be great (or even good) to play. Just try something out, and see if you enjoy it. If not, there’s always another season around the corner. The variety will keep you active, and that’s what it’s all about.

Good luck out there, and if you have your own high or lowlights, please share them!

Leave a comment

2 Comments

  1. Picky Eater

     /  December 13, 2012

    Ha! Love this! As soon as I stop laughing I am actually going to consider City League sports. I’ve heard they have kickball, which just sounds awesome.

    Reply
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